There was a lot of complex emotions I had when I realised I kept failing in my academics. There was an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, a fear of disappointing the people I love. I started nitpicking at my past successes, thinking that all trace of what I had achieved back then needed to disappear.
Because I felt like a fraud — a fraud for struggling.
I’ve had a lot of self-reflection in the past year. I acknowledge that regardless of my intentions, I too, can be toxic in the eyes of someone else. Additionally, I am not responsible in changing the opinion of others when they have the right to share what they perceived and what they believe.
I also acknowledge that I should be kinder to my mind. Like yes, take responsibility, but don’t be so eager in self-blaming and be cornered into taking on every fault. Stop being so hard on yourself, don’t fester in shame over the mistakes you made when you couldn’t have known better then.
I still don’t really know what the future holds. I’m not sure about where I’m pulled towards. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I’ve become so entrenched in needing purpose, that when I made my academic performance become my entire life and I kept failing —
I crumbled.
Notice when I said earlier that I felt like a fraud for struggling?
That wasn’t and isn’t right.
It’s a process definitely, to uproot and work through experiences that shape a lot of your personality and how you are as a person. A lot of ups and downs, one step forward and one step backwards.
But I think for the first time in a while, I may be getting somewhere. Relearning, processing, reopening, and resetting.
If you’ve read this whole thing, I hope you too allow yourself the space to process, to be patient with yourself, and to work through things for you. Our timing is all different, but it does not ever make you any less than.
Stay safe, take care.
